11th June 2023 - Life n Grimes of Mr C

Today's song is from The Doors - The end The full unedited version, so grab a drink whilst you are listening and reading.

The only meds I have left are teh steroids and not enough to help me end all the pain...

That's the problem with legal drugs, and as I have not touched acid,coke and H since early 80's I do not know who is left to help me end my pain for ever.

Do I get some once I get my transit back and take with me to Scotland in teh hope that I can get to some of teh ashes that we left at the mine.

I have been looking at some of teh pics we all took when we were there in 2013 (I think) and I can see why Tim loved it so much there, altho from the notes it brings back no more memories from when I was there!!!!!

After thinking things over last night, maybe I need to find someway to get more items tested and listed, so I never have to come back here, if I cannot get upto Tim's ashes.

I have no wish at this time if I escape from this prison and if I can sort myself out and find what I am looking fo in Scotland, then I can see Lynne n me having a chat and sell the prison off and split what we get, as I am now not expecting here to want to come with me...

She constantly proves to me here work is more important that me, and I can no longer live with that, as it is just tearing me apart and pulling me down even further.

So it gets easier, does it! Not for me each day it is getting harder and harder, to find anything to get me outa bed. Somedays I eat some days I don't.

when we had Tim n Emma, one day when I was working on teh harvest I got home and was so tired and Timothy started to scream and I lost the plot big time........

I hit him and would have thrown him across teh room if Lynne didnt stop me, I do not remember what happened at the time or afterwards except that the next day whilst out in the fields, it hit me that I had become my fucking father!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I knew I could not allow that to happen and from that day forward, I always kept a barrier with all my children, I wouldnt let them get close to me or cuddle them much, even today that has not changed, not that they would let me, without looking at me funny..................

My own fault, but it was my way of not beating them like my So called mum & dad did most days from 3 years old till I was forced to leave at 11 years old!!!.

Try n explain or understand, why you had been ripped away from your brothers n sisters! and everything you knew, Ok I lived with my grand parents, but I never accepted the love and attention they tried to give me..............

Nan never understand and went to here grave believing she failed. Granddad we found away we could cope and get along together, but true to form, I hit him and left (cannot remember why) and never had teh chance to apologise. 

I still think of my Granddad everyday and as Tim got older he often showed my granddad's mannerisms and way and would make my smile or chuckle. I still miss them days..........

So after a day of thinking things threw, Today I will try and keep myself busy till Monday afternoon, when hopefully I get some good news from Ken & Be.

But I just do not know if I am strong enough to take being let down again...................