18th December 2023 - Life n Grimes of Mr C

Well lost house and Transit keys again!

Been searching for them when I have been up to getting out of bed,

So non of the planned work done on the transit - yet again !!

I feel as if someone is trying to stop me getting anywhere with the transit !

On the plus side (I think) My thoughts were on my Granddad and me.

I never did get over Hitting him and leaving home and then finding out a few years later that he fell of garage roof and one of the bullets he got from Dunkirk moved and started cancer!.

If only I had not been a pig headed teenager, I would have been on that roof and my Granddad would have lived many more years......

But I only had a few short minutes and we were not left alone, and Granddad & me could never talk when other people were around, so I never got to say sorry!.

Then it was all over, they would not let me see granddad at the chapel of rest, to say goodbye to him. and seemed very confused when I broke down on the day!.

I think Granddad's medals were stolen that day !, but I was too grief stricken and guilty to be worried about them.

I have never really got over the one person who took me as I was and became my hero and helped me deal with many issues of my young life and the things he taught me, That stayed with me all my life.

Lynne was pregnant with Timothy around that time and that seemed to help me deal with granddads loss and help me start to build a wall to hide my shame and anger at my so called family for the way Granddad was treated and how they treated me.....

That wall was to stay in place until that night in 2012, when the shitface murdered Timothy!

And even now that barrier is down and I am so lost that I do not know how to start to bring granddads wall but up, so I can move on.

Plus this Time I do not have Lynne who I am sure somehow helped me to learn to cope with Granddads loss until the wall was put into place.

Timothy's wounds are rarer that hat day in 2012, then I was concentrating on trying to hold my family together.

But now if I see that prick I will take great pleasure in running the bastard over!

Has these thoughts helped me any - no not really.

But at least hopefully they will become a starting point at some stage.

As a great friend said to me just a few days ago.

Your bucket is overfull and there is more trying to get in !
But there is no room for anymore and the bucket is all jumbled up!.

Not sure if they were his exact words, but that's what stuck with me

So maybe this is the start of unjumbling some of these issues, that at some stage I may have to deal with if I find what I am looking for when and if I ever get to Scotland..............